


Picking up Pieces

by lustig



Category: Dota (Video Games) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking & Talking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of other OG Team Members, Mentions of other professional Dota Players, POV First Person, Protective Team, Revelations, Sauna, Team Bonding, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 09:45:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22452367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lustig/pseuds/lustig
Summary: Before announcing his retreat publicly, Jesse turns to the two members of his team who were there when the team nearly fell apart, prior to TI8. He does not want a repeat of the Tal-scenario. But Sébastien is afraid of the possible broken shards nonetheless.
Relationships: Sébastien "Ceb" Debs & Johan "N0tail" Sundstein, Sébastien "Ceb" Debs/Johan "N0tail" Sundstein
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	1. Picking up Pieces

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wordsofhoney](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsofhoney/gifts).

> because both wordsofhoney and I needed to work through our feels following OGs revelation that JerAx (and a day later, Ceb) would retire from the active roster.  
I would have been an absolute mess without Honey, and so this story is for them.
> 
> Beta'd by the wonderful Liadt.

I keep staring at Jesse’s fingers, tapping against the armrest of the chair he is sitting in, a fast staccato in the silence his words have left.

_Do you remember how empty I felt after TI?_ He had asked, and even that had taken a long time to leave his mouth. Before, Jesse had simply sat there, silent, thoughtful; his face so devoid of the usual grin, cold dread had already started to settle in my stomach, fearing the worst.

Jesse would leave us. I felt it the moment he stepped over my threshold, gave me a weak half-smile and a hug, and greeted Johan the same way. He had looked scared. Like he wanted to hold onto Johan, onto both of us for a while longer, but did not know how.

Jesse never _did not know how_.

I had offered him a drink, a seat, and all the time he needed. The latter without words.

Johan had sat down on the sofa, his eyes focussed on Jesse, soft and understanding.

I could not bring myself to sit down, leaned against the door frame instead, nursing a cup of coffee.

The picture reminded me too much of spring 2018. Jesse, Johan, me. My apartment in Paris. A broken team behind us, shattered dreams in front of us. A family that was no more, a mirror, destroyed by Tal and Gustav, shards that cut us raw and bloody.

If Jesse left us, would it be the same? Would we manage to stop the rest of the team from falling apart? Would we manage to pick up the pieces a second time? Ana had already said that he would probably need a longer break from competitive DotA. Topias had asked to sit out the first two majors of the season, too.

Were they all going to leave us behind?

I manage to drag myself out of my head in time to listen to Jesse’s next words. He had drawn himself up, knees close, wrapped his arms around them, and rested his chin on top. Formed into a ball, protective, tiny. No room for attack. No open spaces. Guarded. He fears our reactions. When had it come so far? When had our teammates feared our judgement, our opinions, instead of openly discussing them?

He focusses himself on Johan, maybe drawing the strength he needs for these next words from him, like I do when I feel like I can’t manage on my own.

_I… I’ve taken these last few weeks to think_, he begins, his eyes flicking to me for a second, then back to Johan. _I felt exhausted, numb. Apathetic._ He laughs, embarrassed, runs his fingers through his hair. _I thought it was because the weeks before TI… because it was exhausting, the competition, getting there, the tournament itself. But it… it didn’t go away._ He breaks eye contact, finally strong enough to continue on his own, or too weak to keep looking into Johan’s eyes, afraid of what he would see in there.

_It didn’t go away. Every time I opened DotA, afterwards, every game I played, the numbness came back. And… _His gaze snaps up to me, and there is so much pain in his eyes, so much fear of rejection, so much hope for forgiveness. I swallow, heavily, grasp the cup a little tighter, give him a tiny nod and a smile flickers over his face. Thankful. It disappears as fast as it came.

_I feel like we have forgotten to play for something important_.

The words come out in a rush, mumbled into his knees, towards the table, towards the ground. But they are there and with the relieved way Jesse’s shoulders drop, I know that this was the hardest thing for him to say, so far.

_You will retire from DotA_, Johan asks, except it is not a question. It is a conclusion and I swallow again, shift my weight.

How can one person be so brave, how can two people be so brave when it feels like a repeat of that revelation from Tal? Then the weeks after, the mess we nearly didn’t manage to clean up. It wasn’t even two years ago. I start shaking. _It was not even two years ago_. I do not say it, but it is too soon, have both of them forgotten? I want to retreat, make myself another coffee, occupy my hands somehow, but that would feel like betraying the trust Jesse has put into us coming here unannounced, but obviously before talking to anyone else.

_Yes_, Jesse continues, and I feel left out of the conversation, though I know I am unable to contribute anything helpful. The cup in my hands hides the soft tremble, and I hope I manage to mask the unease in my face enough for Jesse to feel comfortable enough to keep talking.

Making him feel like he does not have our absolute support, _my_ absolute support, in his decision is the last thing I want to worry him about.

_Yes. I will retire from DotA._ Jesse sighs, lets go of his knees, shifts his position, more open again, less defensive. _The game doesn’t give me joy anymore. Hasn’t done so in a long time, I fear._ His smile is back, and for a moment, it feels like all this pain is worth it to see him at ease, again.

Johan smiles too, his gaze soft and understanding. _You were always the one living most for the game_, Johan says, _Living for these little genius movements, the game changing decisions, not for the results in the end._

_Not for the competition, yes_, Jesse agrees, eyes on our captain, and the smile is there to stay, reassured, the burden taken off him. _It just took me too long to figure it out_. He looks up, to me, gaze full of hope, and I, too, manage to smile at him. It is a little wistful, I am sure, but honest in its intent to reassure him, and I am happy for Jesse to have figured something so vital for himself. Even though my heart keeps beating rapidly, firing fear and adrenaline through my veins. Even though it feels like losing my family for the second time in as many years.

~*~

Conversation drifted to other things, after that. I had made another round of coffee, we had ordered pizza, watched a few episodes of a show I cannot even remember the name of. The afternoon, evening, has passed in a daze.

_Do you have a hotel room for tonight?_ Johan had asked Jesse at some point, and Jesse had looked at me, a little sheepish, and said, _No, I was hoping to use Séb’s guest room, but I can also take the couch. Or call a hotel or something, I’m sure –_

Johan and I had shaken our heads at the same time, of course Jesse could stay here, of course he could take the guest room, my bed was big enough for Johan and me to share, for one night, for two, however long Jesse would want to stay. He looked far too thankful at being allowed to stay, who did he think we were?

_You’re family_, Johan told him, softly, so much better with words than I could ever imagine to be, _Or did you think that would stop because you decided to stop playing DotA with us?_

I saw him swallow then, and instead of answering verbally, he simply hugged us – too tight, too long, we stood there for minutes, hiding each other’s faces in each other’s hair, shoulders, necks. We were all afraid, I realised belatedly. For each other, for our friendship, for losing ourselves. For not accepting, for not being accepted.

Mia had worked on Johan’s emotions towards Tal, before TI. But we all underestimated the lingering fear of being left behind, being left alone, being _left_, that Tal and Gustav actions that day in May had caused us.

Maybe that was the reason Johan had taken the news so calmly, today. Because he was the only one of us who had actually managed to move on, move past the trauma that had caught up with Jesse and with me, most of all, today.

~*~

Next to the window, I stare out into the city night, alone. If it wasn’t closer to winter than to summer, I would have opened the window, stood outside at the balustrade, but it is too cold and I do not want to wake Johan, who is peacefully asleep behind me.

My thoughts are in uproar, I cannot slow them down. I think my fears are irrational; Jesse will not leave as Tal did, Jesse actually talked to us, will stay in contact, will stay with us, but fears are not rational. And I have failed to fall asleep for the last three hours, even with the unexpected help of Johan’s quiet snores next to me.

I do not want to risk waking him with my constant tossing and turning.

So I stay here, hoping the sleeping city below and before me will calm down my heartbeat, will calm down my mind, will calm down my fears. I do not believe it will, and I know my cheeks and lashes are damp, though I will not cry for something that helps Jesse actually be happy with his life.

I breathe through my mouth, shakily, loud in the silence around me, even the soft snores have stopped, and then a sleep-warm body presses against me, pulls me into him, wraps around me and I’m _falling falling falling_.

I half-turn into the embrace, burying the sob I feel creeping up in Johan’s neck, drying my eyes, my cheeks in his soft pyjama top and cling to him as if he is the last thing to stop me from drifting away. He presses a kiss onto the top of my head, lingering there and his warm breath ruffles my hair and sends goose bumps down my back when he sighs.

_You know as well as me that it couldn’t have stayed like this forever_, he murmurs, still letting me cling to him, his cheek now resting on top of my head. A hand is playing idly with the hair in my neck, and the gesture grounds me, calms me down.

_Of course I knew_, I answer, voice rough. It does not mean I have to like it, and Johan knows that as well as I. He is just handling the situation a whole lot better than I am.

For a moment, I am glad I am not alone in this, that he is here with me, and then the realisation hits me.

Jesse had not known Johan was here. Jesse came to Paris, without telling anyone beforehand, to talk to me, because he thought telling me first was the most important, giving me a chance to get used to the thought of a future in DotA without him by our side had priority to telling our teammates. Thus was because he knew it would hit me the hardest, that I was the most sensitive in our team to a decision like this.

He had seen me pick up the pieces, put them back together, again and again. He knew I would run out of duct tape eventually. He had come to me because he did not want me to try to fix something where nothing would _need_ fixing. He would not leave us. He simply would stop to support us from inside the booth.

This time, I do not try to stop the tears.

Johan makes soft shushing noises, starts stroking my back. But I don’t really want to be calmed down, now, I don’t really need to. Something has finally clicked and I do not cry because I cannot handle Jesse leaving, I cry because I finally understand what Jesse meant with that gesture, with coming to me, with asking for my permission first, before moving on towards the rest of our team, of our organisation.

I follow Johan back to bed without any protest, when he pulls me up a few minutes later, exhausted, drained, and in a strange way, happy. He starts to say something, but I shake my head, and he stops before a word leaves his mouth, just pulls me closer, instead.

I can hear his heartbeat now, slow and reassuring; and tired, as I am, my emotions and thoughts finally numbed and quieted, I manage, at long last, to fall asleep.


	2. Away from the Spotlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jesse's retirement got Séb thinking about his own career – and leads him to a decision he decides to share with his teammates on a night before the New Year, where they spend a few hours in a dark, Finnish sauna together, just their little family, before the beginning of their next season as a Pro team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to wordsofhoney, whom I have known for less than a week but who has wriggled their way into my weak tiny heart.
> 
> And many thanks at my always vigilant Beta Liadt, without whom my stories would probably look like a mess.

_It’s a shame there is no snow, this year_, Jesse laughs, as we sink down on the heated wood. The warmth feels good, in this first moment, seeping into my skin, my muscles, and I sigh in quiet bliss while leaning my head back. It will get too much, soon, I know it, as it is not the first time I have been here, sharing a sauna with my chosen family.

But in these first few minutes, when the dim light and warm humidity slowly calms me down, everything comes to a stop and a quiet peace fills me. The New Year is approaching fast, not even two days away now, but tonight is all about us, about the bearers of the Aegis, about our team, which will probably never step back into competition like this again.

Jesse has retired from DotA, even though no one outside of OG and a few close friends knows, yet. Ana will take a year's break from competitive DotA, though, thanks to the fires in Australia his flight is delayed. He will only join the official end-of-the-year party tomorrow, together with Lasse, Matti and a few other chosen people. And me, because I intend to step back from the active roster, too. They just don’t know that yet. I want to tell the team, tonight, in the quiet peace of Jesse’s retreat in the woods.

And I’m more than a little afraid of their reactions.

Was this how Jesse had felt when he came to me, a few months ago? Anxiety crawling below the surface, judging expressions, judging possible outcomes, judging where the weakest link might be, the worst-case scenario, the best approach?

I breathe out; sweat already starting to run down my face, my back, my chest.

It is not the right moment yet. Spirits are still too high; the calm quietness of the sauna has not yet set in. I know it will come, the sombre mood, the talking, the truth spoken into darkness and fire.

At some point, the words will just leave me. I feel it. Yet the time has not come.

_Later_, I think. _Later_.

~*~

Time runs differently in the wooden chamber. Twilight and then night have fallen in the early afternoon; we are further north than Paris or even Copenhagen. It was already dusk when we set foot into Jesse’s retreat, had some dinner, a first beer or two. A few minutes of talking, the first sauna session.

Sweat is burning in my eyes, and I feel my breathing getting laboured. I do not like being the first to get up, but even I am not too proud to stay longer than is good for me. I tried that once, and that one time was enough for me. So I rise from my seat, sluggish and drowsy from the heat and the alcohol, which always seems to hit my head faster when in the sauna, and make my way out of the room.

I do not need to turn around to feel Johan’s eyes burning holes into me, but a pleased smile creeps onto my face nonetheless and stretching myself languidly before leaving the humid heat is entirely on purpose.

The water for washing, depite spending the whole day next to the fire, feels cold, and just the thought of jumping into the lake in a few moments makes me feel frozen already. I could wait for one of the others to come out, just to stretch the time a little, make the shock a little less prominent, but that would feel like faking and any of the other three would make fun of my grimaces if they got to see them.

I still barely manage to suppress a shriek when I decide that an instant shock is better than slowly getting used to it and just let myself fall into the lake next to Jesse’s shack.

Gasping, I pull my head above the surface, shake out my hair like a wet dog and try to blink the water out of my eyes. I cannot see clearly, without my glasses, but it still feels good.

Two strokes into the lake, I am ready to turn around again, the cold cutting into my muscles. The splashing sound of another person joining me in the water distracts me from the near-painful sensation, and a second later, Johan has caught up and snuggles up against me. An arm sneaks across my midriff, turns me around into an embrace and our bodies are flush against each other. The goose bumps cannot decide if they are for the cold or an entirely different reason, but before I can say anything, Johan _dunks_ me underwater, and the next moment, I am spluttering and coughing, my cheeks blushing furiously.

Johan is already a metre or two away, laughing in delight, his eyes sparkling at me, though now robbed of the additional warmth his body offered me, the lake is too cold and I swim back to the house. Topias and Jesse are coming towards me when I climb out, chatting quietly and already looking wonderfully relaxed.

I probably look like a drenched poodle right now. At least that's how I feel. But seeing them at peace like this, I can do nothing but smile, shivering as the December air hits my wet skin.

My shoulders only start to drop down, the muscles unclenching, when I step back into the house, grab one of the towels and lie down to rest. I close my eyes, enjoying the peace and quiet, and I do not know how much time passes, seconds, minutes, hours, before Johan’s hand softly brushes a strand of hair out of my face and he presses a soft kiss to my forehead.

_Sorry for earlier_, he murmurs, trying to turn away, maybe to lie down himself, but I pull him down for a real kiss before he is gone, soft and hurrie,d but firm, my hand on his neck and his on the wood above my head. Johan sighs into the touch, his breath ghosting hotly over my face, and I open my eyes. I do not need to say anything in that moment. We understand each other without words perfectly well.

Johan smiles, steals another kiss, then pulls away to drop onto the bench next to me. Topias and Jesse follow only moments after, wet and shivering all over, but Jesse has pulled his head between his shoulders, as if ducking away from a strike, and his grin is mad and lively, and even Topias cannot hold his cool, the smile lighting up his eyes, as he carries in the next round of beer.

I feel at home. So I do the only thing I can think about and tell them exactly that.

~*~

Going into the heat and from the heat to the water and back to the house becomes both easier and harder the more often we do it and the drunker we get. Burning heat, burning cold, a short break, another beer, repeat. The night moves on, and after joking about different ways to get Sumail integrated into OG’s meadow of flowers during the last session, I finally feel the time coming for _my_ revelation to my teammates.

Johan has got more and more handsy, touch-hungry drunk that he is, and his head is resting heavily on my shoulder as I sigh, trying to collect my thoughts enough to form a coherent sentence.

_There’s something on your mind, isn’t there, Séb?_ Jesse states, the tilt of his head showing his curiosity, his smile soft and open. The last dregs of beer from our bottles had been poured onto the stones, filling the chamber with the smell of freshly baked, dark bread. It will probably be the last sauna session of tonight, and the sombre, close to melancholy feeling has finally set in. We’ve been silent, so far, everyone trying to follow their own thoughts, or trying not to fall asleep.

_There is_, I say, my French accent more pronounced than usually, the alcohol weighting down my tongue.

_Did you want to tell us you’ve been hooking up with the Captain?_ Jesse prods, his voice cheerful, as if stating a fact long known to him and not hinting at a relationship that is still very new to both Johan and me. Surprised, blushing, I look down at Johan. He grins back up at me, more asleep than awake, and just blows me a kiss.

The blush creeping down my neck, I look back to my Finnish teammates, neither of them looking any different than usual, and shake my head.

_Not hooking up or not what’s on your mind?_ Jesse asks, looking more curious now, leaning forward and resting his chin on his hands, his elbows on his knees.

_Not what’s on my mind_, I answer honestly. There is no sense in denying that there _is_ something blooming between me and Johan, and if Jesse doesn’t see it as a big deal, I don’t want to make one out of it, either. Maybe they will have forgotten it by tomorrow morning, but I do not think they will. And if they haven’t, this coming out will have been a lot easier than I would have ever imagined it to be.

_Oh, I understand_, Jesse murmurs and sits up straighter.

_I don’t_, Topias says, raising his eyebrows. He looks curious, or as curious as Topias manages to look when he is curious, and Jesse answers, _Séb is retiring_. He is still looking at me, and this time I am nodding.

Johan’s head suddenly moves away from my shoulder.

_Is that true?_ he asks, and he sounds more injured than I thought he would be, and no matter how drunk I am, causing Johan discomfort is something I never want, and I nearly knot my tongue in an effort to explain myself before he pulls back completely.

_Yes, and no,_ I start, looking at him, begging him with my eyes to listen to me. _When Jesse announced he would retire, it got me thinking, you know? And, the funny thing is, if you start asking yourself that question – why you keep going, why you’re still competing, what is your motivation to continue – you already know something is off._ I take a deep breath, swallow, grab Johan’s shoulder, neck, and he doesn’t pull away, but he still looks too vulnerable, and I beg him with my eyes, with my voice, with my touch to trust me with this.

_I don’t want to stop playing DotA. But I think I should pull back from the active roster. I was only meant as a stand-in in the first place, and it just happened that I had to take it up seriously when we were short on players. I’ve always also been an analyst, a coach, and I would like to be able to focus more on this side of DotA, again._ I’m not leaving you, I mouth, and Johan smiles a little, his Adam’s apple bopping up and down in an effort not to cry.

_Okay_, he says, softly, but he presses his lips together, eyes flicking away from me for a second to collect himself, then nods, says it again, a little firmer. _Okay._

_I’m sorry this comes as such a surprise_, I apologise, and this, more than my explanation, makes Johan’s real smile come back. Before he can reply, Jesse interrupts us and pulls me back into the reality of the sooty shack. _Sauna time is over, folks. And I think _someone_ needs to get properly dunked to get rid of some silly ideas_.

I want to twitch away, but as one, Topias and Jesse grab Johan under his armpits and carry him outside, against his half-hearted protests and a rising bout of laughter, abruptly stopping with the loud shriek and splash that marks them reaching the lake. I follow, not jumping in this time, just sitting at the edge of the lake, dangling my feet in the water.

The air is drying the sweat on my skin, and I watch my friends splashing around in the dark, blurred but there, content to stay put for a while longer, when I hear steps on the jetty behind me.

_Looks like I missed all the fun_, I hear Ana say the moment I turn around, and my eyes widen. I scramble up, the world tilting ominously when my drunken balance isn’t fast enough to catch up for a second, and wrap myself around my last missing team member.

_You’re here_, I observe unintelligently, not letting go.

Ana laughs, hugging me back. _And you’re naked_.

I feel him breathe out, resting his chin on my shoulder.

_I’m sorry I’m late_, he says quietly, _but I didn’t want to wait until tonight to see you_.

_I’m glad you’re here_. I welcome him, equally quiet, and as the others start to climb out of the lake, having finally noticed I am not alone anymore, it feels like everything is falling into place, at last.


End file.
